Saturday 09 August 2008 3:04:51 pm

An audio documentary I did...

A few years ago, I recorded a Calvin & Hobbes audio documentary, with video to go with it (which was too fuzzy and off-sync with the audio). This year, I found it and listened to it. Indeed some parts of it didn't make much sense, at least to me. I decided to post the transcript here, mistakes and all. See if you can make sense of it...

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ME: In Calvin & Hobbes, there's lots of fun things here. Let me show you about this book, 'Scientific Progress Goes Boink'. Hmm, let's see... ooooh, this is funny parts, and I'll show you why this has happened: it was 19 hours BEFORE this happened! I guess you know why this was a collapsed (?) - because I wouldn't know, it was ha-- There i -- There is al -- so -- ti -- tle -- books (Title books? What was I thinking of?!) But, we'll tell you about that later. So, all you gotta do, is press the button, to see the next multi-task movies on the jeome (?). (Hahahaha, what was I thinking of?!!) Well, we're not talking about jeomes (?) today. Let's see... You know what this has got LOTS of FUNNY... STUFF... and you'll KNOW it's fuuunnyy, funny! ...hmm... let's go to the next part, okay? Press space (?)... let's goooooo, where's...

* * *

ME: Titles. In the -- in these stories, there might be titles (I believe I was referring to the Sunday strips). I'll show you; this story is REALLY funny...

CALVIN: This morning, I had a wonderful dream. By holding my arms out stiff and pushing down hard, I found that I could suspend myself.. a few feet above the ground. I flapped harder, and as soon as I was soaring effeshly over the trees and telephone poles, I could fly! I folded my arms back -- and err -- umm... aaagh! -- I folded by arms back and zoomed low over the neighbourhood. Everyone was amazed, and they ran along under water from the wind (Whoops! I skipped a line!). I laughed and laughed, making huge loops across the sky. That's when Mom woke me up and said I was gonna miss the bus if I didn't get [...] out of bed! Twenty minutes later, here I am, standing in the cold rain waiting to go to school, and I just remembered... I forgot my lunch...

ME: Well... that -- was that funny?! Why, y -- Why, those sneaky little drips! I'll get THEM! *false laugh* N -- sn -- not really... Hmm, I'll show... oh, uh, let me tell you about Rosalyn Stories, okay?

(The story above wasn't a Sunday strip! Why did I recite that?)

* * *

ME: Rosalyn Stories. Here's one...

MOM: Have you seen my shoes? I thought I had them right -- right -- out here.
DAD: Your shoes? I don't know!
MOM: They were right out HERE! Where could they have gone??
DAD: We're going to be late!
MOM: Well I can't go anywhere without my shoes. Help me look!
CALVIN: They're not gonna be leaving us with a babysitter tonigh'!

*DING DONG!*
CALVIN: It's Rosalyn!
MOM: Answer the door, will you please, Calvin?
CALVIN: Hi Ros, my parents changed their minds about goin -- going out, so we -- won't be needing your services. Goodbye.
*creak*
DAD: Hi Rosalyn! *mean voice* What are you talkin' about, Calvin?!
CALVIN: You can't go out if Mom can't find her shoes, right?
DAD: And whaddaya know about THAT?!?
CALVIN: Hehe, nothing, hehe... ummm, why? Ah -- Are her shoes missing?
ROSALYN: I'd like to be paying in advance tonight.

CALVIN: Phooey! Mom and Dad left! Now we're alone with the babysitter from the Black Lagoon.
HOBBES: HEEE! D'you think she remembers how last time we threatened to flush her science notes down the toilet?!
CALVIN: HAHAHA! Our finest moment!
ROSALYN: Okay, you get in bed.
CALVIN: WHAT?!?! It's not even 6:30!!
HOBBES: She remembers, all right.
CALVIN: She can't get away with this. We'll call the rescue squad.

CALVIN: Rosalyn?
ROSALYN: What are you doing out of bed?
CALVIN: I thought I heard something outside.
ROSALYN: I didn't hear anything.
CALVIN: It was a kind of thump. Will you go look, make sure it's not anything scary?
ROSALYN: I'll check but I didn't hear any thump.
CALVIN: *slyly* Yes, yes, go out the door, two more steps! Oh please oh please, yes yes yes!
ROSALYN: See? There's nothing out here.

ROSALYN: See, Calvin? Nothing out here.
CALVIN: But I kn-- but I KNOW I heard something! Go look, okay please?
ROSALYN: Okay, if it will make you feel *SLAM!* HEY!!
ROSALYN: THIS WAS A TRICK?! *witch-like voice* WHY, YEW SNEEKY LITTLE DRIP, I'LL GET YOU!
CALVIN: Hobbes! I locked her out!
CALVIN: Now we can watch TV and eat cookies til we're phhrreeeeetthhpbth! (I didn't want to say 'sick') Oh boy...
HOBBES: This is the best ever we've been ay -- baby-sat!

ROSALYN: CALVIN! YOU LET ME BACK IN THE HOUSE THIS INSTANT!
CALVIN: Don't worry Rosalyn! There's only a 50% chance of rain tonight! HAHA!
HOBBES: She's trying to open the downstairs door. (What?!)
CALVIN: S'okay! I -- I locked 'em.
ROSALYN: YOU OPEN UP THAT DOOR!!
CALVIN: Hey Ros, what's in your purse, mind if we look?

ROSALYN: CALVIN! I'M TELLING YOUR PARENTS ABOUT THIS! NOW LET ME IN!!
CALVIN: Pipe down, will ya, Ros? 'obbes an' I can 'ardly 'ear the TV.
ROSALYN: You're not supposed to be watching TV!
CALVIN: Hey, if you go rent us a VCR and a movie, we'll put the TV near a window so you can watch too.
ROSALYN: LET ME IN!!
CALVIN: Are you 18? You could get us 'Vincien Vampire Vixens'!

ROSALYN: CALVIN!!!
CALVIN: Hang on Ros, the phone is ringing...
ROSALYN: Hope it's your parents! I hope they ask to talk about me! Boy, you'll be in trouble then!
CALVIN: It's your boyfriend, Charlie. Should I tell him you're indisposed? Hehe!
ROSALYN: NO! LET ME TALK TO 'IM!
CALVIN: Say Chas, don't you think you're settling for too li... girlfriend department?

MOM: Isn't it great to get out the house alone together for a change?
DAD: It's so nice and quiet. We should do this more often.
ROSALYN: CALVIN, YOU GOT 5 SECONDS TO OPEN THE DOOR BEFORE I BREAK A WINDOW!
CALVIN: I'm tellin' you Chuck, your girlfriend's a psycho. I hope you're not making any long-range plans around her.

CALVIN: Wow, this is fun, all the TV shows we're not allowed to watch, and a bag of cookies each!
*SLAM!*
CALVIN: Hey, what was that?
CALVIN: AAAAGH! Rosalyn! How did you get in...
CALVIN: ...whoops. I think it's past my bedtime.

CALVIN: IT WAS ALL A MISUNDERSTANDING! AN INNOCENT MISTAKE! LEMME EXPLAIN!
MOM: Calvin, listen closely. Locking Rosalyn out of the window -- no, out of the house wasn't just mean, it was dangerous. If you'd hurt yourself or there was a fire, she wouldn't have been able to help ya.
MOM: You go apologise to Rosalyn right now.
CALVIN: *sad voice* I'm sorry Rosalyn.
DAD: And we're sorry too. I promise you Calvin will behave himself next time.
ROSALYN: An extra 5 will help there be a NEXT time...

CALVIN: Boy, I did get in trouble.
CALVIN: Stealing Mom's shoes and making Mom and Dad late, then locking the babysitter out of the house, whoof.
CALVIN: It's a lot to live down for just one evening. I feel pretty bad.
HOBBES: Having eaten an 'ole package of Oreos doesn't 'elp!
CALVIN: You said it! Maaann.

* * *

ME: Spaceman Spiff. (I only described this alter-ego, and none of the others! Why??)

NARRATOR: A deep, dreaded Nagoon... ship fires a bolt of deadly [...] small red spacecraft moving towards an unknown planet. Inside that planet (Huh?!) is our hero, the intermediate (?) SPACEMAN SPIFF!!!
(Spaceman Spiff over 'Supercar' theme tune)

NARRATOR: The dreaded Scumbeings fire. Spaceman Spiff is hit!
(Eh? First it's the Naggon, then it's Scumbeings!)
*EeehhhHHHHRRRRRR...*
SPIFF: It never fails. I just washed and waxed this thing!
NARRATOR: Our hero, the intrepid (?) Spaceman Spiff -- shrouds (?) over the controls of his damaged spacecraft!
*Eeehhhrrr*
NARRATOR: Feeling pulshed blasters (?), Spiff crashes on the surface of an alien planet.
NARRATOR: Unscathed, [...] smoldering wreckage. He is marooned on a hostile world!
NARRATOR: [...] nothing but mooned (?) rock. [...]
NARRATOR: Spiff collapses. Oh dear! A hideous alien spots him! In his weakened state, Spiff is no match for the monster! THIS COULD BE THE END!!
ALIEN: *monstrous voice* Lunchtime! I bought you a sandwich and some lemonade!
*himmmmmmmm*
MOM: Bring the dish back when you're done, okay?
CALVIN: *croaky voice* Oh well. *normal voice* Thanks Mom!

* * *

ME: Thanks for watching, we hope you enjoy Calvin & 'obbes!
(takes after one of those Sky Digital videos from the past)

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KEY:
(?) Sounds like it
[...] Unintelligible

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So, how was it? I myself know it was bad!

~ Frank Triberus
A marshal who is Bumper LEGO in disguise